


Broken Hearts

by Nilbog731



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-09
Updated: 2019-11-26
Packaged: 2021-02-01 04:10:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 12,692
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21371626
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nilbog731/pseuds/Nilbog731
Summary: Things turn sour for Spinel with the Diamonds, and after months of silence from Steven’s end, she can only assume that he doesn’t want to hear from her. Feeling trapped and alone with no other options, Spinel does something drastic. The Diamonds rush to fix things before Steven finds out by using a new piece of gem-tech that is still in development, and things go horribly wrong.
Relationships: Spinel/Steven Universe
Comments: 20
Kudos: 213





	1. Shattering a Diamond

A blaring alert rang out from the Diamond control panel in the crystal conservatory above as Steven was in the kitchen putting the finishing touches on a hoagie. It startled him, causing him to nearly drop a sliced dill pickle he was trying to perfectly place.

"Whoa, that's not the normal alert, wonder what's up?" He tossed the slices limply on the plate and headed for the stairs.

It had been nearly 6 months since the events with Spinel and an immediate pitt of regret grew in his stomach as he ascended the stairs. He'd gotten so caught up in his happily ever after that Steven had been woefully slack in checking in on Spinel. She'd seemed so happy when she left, and things had been so quiet, not to mention he was very glad to have the Diamonds off his back. He hoped everything was alright. He hoped the Diamonds were just overreacting and pestering him about something mundane.

Those hopes were dashed as soon as the screen on the console lit up with a scene of chaos.

"Steven!" Yellow Diamond shouted as she ducked off screen an instant before a screaming beam of pure light shot off to the upper right of the screen. The beam caused the image on Yellow's end to tremble on impact, then it swung off wildly into the background, slicing through and destroying a large pillar.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to do that! Shut up, yes I did!" Spinel shouted off screen. At least Steven was pretty sure it was Spinel, but the two phrases were in entirely different tones, the first high and innocent, the second menacing and sharp. 

"Uhhh, guys, what's going on?" Steven said, eyes wide. Then he heard the unmistakable crackle of Yellow's lightning and panic rose up into his chest. "Guys!?"

"Ha ha, that tickles! Don't do that again!" Said Spinel, again in two conflicting manners.

"We're getting Steven now, please calm down!" Blue pleaded off screen. Another beam of light could be heard, followed by a yelp of fright from Blue.

"Oh what fun, I've missed my best friend! This is no time for games you idiot!"

"Ok, I'm on my way, but why does it sound like Spinel is arguing with herself?"

White Diamond came into view, looking furious. "We'll explain when you get here, just please hurry before she brings the whole building down on us! Spinel has gone out of control!" The end of her sentence was dripping in her old tone of flippant impatience.

Steven frowned, nodded and ran for the teleporter.

~~~

By the time Steven arrived, the warp pad room was already in ruins, floor, ceiling and walls sliced to pieces, rubble fallen everywhere and small random fires of white flame burning here and there. It was a miracle that the pad itself hadn't been damaged. Steven ran from that room into a large open garden area where he found Blue kneeling while Yellow held her around the shoulders. White stood tall as usual just in front of them.

"Blue, Yellow, White!" Steven waved as he ran to them. "What's going on? Where's Spinel?"

"We're not sure," Yellow began with a shrug, "as soon as she heard the warp pad activate, she ran into this courtyard and hid."

"Always with her silly little games," White said, rolling her eyes in dismissal.

Steven didn't like their tones. They said they would adore Spinel but they sounded so...tired of her. That and this apparent outburst she'd had gave Steven pause. Was it a mistake to let Spinel go off with the Diamonds all those months ago? Steven didn't know who he was feeling more of a rising disappointment towards, the Diamonds, or himself. He turned from them with a sour look on his face and called out with both hands cupping his mouth.

"Spinel, where are you?"

"I'm over here!" A long, light pink arm waved from behind a boulder surrounded by shrubbery at the other end of the area. "Put your hand down, he can't see me like this!" A darker pink arm pulled the other one down out of sight.

"Spinel?" Steven began to approach slowly.

"Be careful Steven," said Blue.

"But you, I-I mean I? Or, we both want to see him. This game is confusing." Said the sweet Spinel voice. "I changed my mind!" Yelled the other in desperation as she audibly punched the boulder.

"Spinel, I'm coming over, ok?" Steven said softly as he neared the boulder with an arm outstretched.

"NO! Stay back, Steven!" A struggle could be heard as Steven began to round the large rock. "Oh quit being a grumpy gus, he's here, Steven's here!" Steven was nearly knocked over by a bundle of tangled, stretchy limbs as it rolled past him and out into full view on the ground a few feet from him.

The sight before him didn't make any sense at first, but as the limbs fell slack and returned to their normal state and the being before him slowly stood up, the true horror of what he was seeing struck him in the chest like a full bore strike from Bismuth's hammer. There she stood, somehow in two halves down the middle. The left side, her original form, with cute heart hair bun and all, a perky half grin on her half face. On the right, her second, broken form grimaced in pain, fresh tears streaming down her permanent black ones. The two halves were held together in the middle by a jagged, searing line of pure light energy, it rippled and flickered like a narrow trench full of white hot flame.

When Steven's eyes fell upon her gem, or what was left of it, his eyes welled up with tears. It was broken in two, one side upright, the other inverted, for the most part. The larger pieces more or less held their original right-side up/upside down heart shapes, but they were pulled towards the blinding energy in the center fissure while the smaller bits trailed off and spiraled slightly, causing the two broken heart halves to resemble some twisted Yin-Yang symbol.

Steven put his hand to his mouth as the tears ran down his burning cheeks and his knees trembled. He didn't want to admit it, how could she even be standing there? It didn't make sense, but the condition of her gem made it undeniable. She. Spinel was...

"Spinel," he choked out, "you've been shattered."

He fell to his knees catching himself with his other hand. His stomach was empty but he still felt a dry heave traveling up his throat. Spinel was on him in an instant, her hands on his shoulders as she knelt to try and meet his gaze. Both sides of her now crying. She was saying something, but he couldn't hear her. In that moment, something inside him broke, and the only thing present in his mind was a single, deafening thought:

This was all his fault.


	2. Keep Beach Garden Weird

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven tends to a garden, yells at some Diamonds and catches up with Spinel, with a dash of self loathing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, so the first chapter was more of a very brief set up. This is a proper chapter. Also, to distinguish between the two sides of Spinel, they will from now on be labeled Spinel B(uns) and Spinel P(igtails) where needed and when not labeled, it is Spinel P talking by default. Hopefully this wont be too confusing.

"Steven, Steven honey, it’s time to wake up."

Steven opened his eyes and rubbed the sleep from them as he slowly rose from his bed. He felt. . .off. Wasn't he doing something else just now? Wasn't he somewhere else just now? Then he felt silly, duh Steven, that's called dreaming. He looked around for his mother, but she must have already left to start breakfast.

"Mom, can't I sleep in just a little longer?" Mom? Mom, it sounded nice to say, but it also made his tongue buzz and feel heavy. Probably just nasty morning mouth, he needed to brush.

"I don't think so, mister. We have a lot of work to do today, harvesting for the garden." 

A great weight dropped to his stomach at her words and Steven stumbled while getting out of bed, grasping his belly with both hands. He felt sick, his breath was cut short and a blunt pain thumped at his temples. His whole body began to tremble in a cold sweat. There was this sudden terrible feeling that he'd forgotten something—or someone, it was screaming at him to remember. His mother shook him from his thoughts.

"Steven, I mean it, let's go!" She called from downstairs.

He tried to steady his breathing and stood up straight before he answered back. "R-right, sorry. I'll be right down, just gotta brush my teeth!" What the heck was that just now? Did he eat something bad the night before? Maybe catch a stomach bug?

On shaky legs, Steven cautiously made his way to the bathroom. He paused when he reached for the door handle, taking a moment to swallow back bile that was leaving a metallic taste in the back of his mouth. When he cracked the door, a hot gust of acrid wind from within whipped it open violently, ripping the handle from his hand. He jumped back as the door swung all the way out, hitting the wall behind it. The wind smelled of sulfur, molten metal? A forge? Wait how did he know what a forge smelled like?

When he crossed the threshold of the doorway into the bathroom he immediately felt a million eyes staring at him, as if he were center stage at the world's biggest stadium, alone and only in his underwear. That's when he noticed that the entire bathroom was covered in colorful stones, wait, not stones, but stone shards. Gem shards. And they covered every inch of every surface, shimmering and sparkling under the dim light of the room like some beautiful killing field. Steven gasped and stepped back, hunching over, bracing himself on the door frame with one hand, clutching at his mouth with the other. His stomach flipped and he was sure he may lose its contents at any moment, but why? They're just rocks, pretty rocks. Why did it feel like he'd just walked into a slaughterhouse? His vision began to sway.

". . .elp e" A faint voice, barely audible but Steven, despite being frozen in terror and disgust, looked into the room and listened for it again.

"Help me." It was so small and pitiful. Another spoke.

"Where. . .my body?"

More and more rose up, calling out to him. Steven held his head in his hands and kept his eyes shut. He wanted to run, but they sounded like they were in pain. Shouldn't he help, somehow? Who were _they_ even? Why couldn't he remember!?

"Can't. . .find my leg."

"It hurts!"

"My form, give it baaack!"

"I'm scared, make it stop!"

"You lied Rose, how could you?!"

"Damn you, Pink!"

"Shatterer! Murderer!"

Soon there were too many to make out any one voice in the tormented chorus. Steven only opened his eyes when he felt tugging on his pajamas. He pulled away, screaming as hundreds, thousands of tiny hands made of light emitting from the shards grabbed and groped desperately for him.

“I-m sorry! I-I can’t help you! Lemme go!” Steven broke away from their grasp, tumbling over onto his back on the cold wooden floor. Now full-on hyperventilating, Steven felt the bile rising with even greater force and he quickly rolled over onto all fours, finally vomiting up gobs of pink, curly hair. After a few moments of heaving, Steven wiped at his mouth, taking a moment to register what had just come out of him. What the hell? Why hair?

“STEVEN!” his mother bellowed from high above him. It was so loud it shook the floor beneath him and rattled his bones. Before he could understand what was happening, a huge pink-gloved hand pinched him by the nape of his pajama top and lifted him into the air. He was brought up to eye level with a giant of a woman with piercing pink diamond eyes and short, fluffy cotton candy hair. “WHAT-” she stopped herself and took a breath, “what do you think you’re doing playing around up here?” She glared at him, not even in a malicious way, but it was enough to send a chill through him. She had been absolutely terrifying for a moment there, and it pulled him completely out of his thoughts. He did not wish to see that side of her again.

He swallowed hard, looking down, his feet dangling. She must be waiting for some kind of reply. Think of something!

“S-sorry mom, I’m just not feeling well.” He laughed nervously.

“Oh, you poor dear.” She clasped him to her chest like a teddy bear she’d plucked from her bed. She held him gently enough, but it was still like being pressed between two giant trees, anymore pressure and he could be crushed easily. Was his mom always so scary? “But your not getting out of work that easily.”

She turned towards a giant set of stairs and brought them both down to the kitchen, still holding him in her hands like a toy. She plopped him down onto a stool at the counter and then sat on her knees beside him. Steven flinched at the plate of food in front of him, it was bacon and a single egg. The bacon looked fine, but . . .the egg was heart-shaped and it disturbed him greatly for some reason. It was as if his mother had put a severed head in front of him. It made no sense, but it repulsed him all the same.

“What’s wrong?” She gave him a look, disappointment clear in her voice. He shifted nervously on his stool. “Ah! I know. Here, I’ll show you how to cut it.”

He wanted to scream out, to stop her from forcing the knife in his hand, but he was rigid with fear. He could only stare dead ahead as she went around behind him, surrounded him in her massive form, reached her arms over his own, enveloped the hand that was holding the knife in her own, and made him cut the heart-shaped egg right down the middle.

The yolk bled pink.

Steven tried to push himself away from the counter, but with her behind him, he was trapped, his struggle useless. “I’m really not hungry mom!” Her grip tightened on his hand. “You’re hurting me, stop!” He reared back with his head, flailing with whatever he could to get away, and hit her hard on the chin.

She released him with a growl of frustration and stood so quickly that the air rushing around him felt like a semi truck speeding by. “You want to be that way? Fine, you don’t get to eat!” She stomped her foot like a child, making everything in the kitchen leap a few inches in the air for a moment, including Steven himself who let out a tiny squeak, falling off his stool.

She was shaking with rage until a smirk unfurled across her face when an idea seemed to strike her and she swung an open hand above Steven who flinched and covered his head. There was no impact, but it was suddenly very silent, and his ears popped, did the air pressure change? He slowly opened his eyes, the world was pink. Pink? He tumbled wildly and then his body spun over and over, like he was rolling down a hill. He was in a bubble that she was shoving out the front door.

“To work!” She laughed, giddy and innocent, following him outside with the hint of a skip in her step, the balls at the end of her shoes bouncing playfully.

Steven’s bubble came to a smooth stop in a patch of sand and he came to an abrupt stop right onto his own head with an _oof! _The pink sphere popped and Steven took a knee until his head stopped spinning. When he took a good look around, he was struck by both a familiar warmth and something wholly unsettling. The sky above was an unbroken tapestry of glittering stars, but the land he stood on was a mishmash of a calm beach and some sort of flower garden with beautiful pillars and sculptures.

_Smash_

The sound caught his attention and he turned towards his mom. She was a few yards away, her back to him. She was crouching, hunched over, busy with some sort of work. She plucked something shiny from a barrel on her right, set it down in front of her, raised a huge hammer and-

_Smash_

Steven became incensed and he didn’t know why. He just instinctively knew that whatever she was doing was horrible. He ran towards her with increasing urgency sending the beating of his heart into his ears.

_Smash_

“Hey!”

_Smash_

“STOP!”

The hammer was raised, she hesitated a moment then dropped her swinging arm, resting it on her knee and turned to him with a smile.

“What are you doing?” He could barely hold himself back from screaming in her face when he saw the pile of shattered gems on the ground.

“That’s a silly question,” she raised an eyebrow at him, “I’m harvesting shards for the garden, of course.”

“Why? Why do you have to do that? Can’t you see they’re suffering? In pain?” Tears were beginning to sting his eyes, but his outrage wouldn’t waiver.

She looked at him like he was an idiot. “It’s necessary. We do it to keep our garden safe. To protect what is ours. You and I, together. It’s what we’ve always done. Which reminds me.” She turned to pick up the gem she had been about to destroy; it was large, magenta, and flawless. She tossed it to him. “You know what that is? It’s a-”

“Spinel. . .” he finished for her, cradling it in his hands.

“That’s right! What gave it away? The pretty heart-shaped cut?” She tossed the hammer at his feet. Her stare was clinical. Without a word, he knew what she wanted him to do.

“No.” He crossed his arms over the gem, protectively shielding it, holding tightly to his chest.

“Pick that hammer up.” Her voice was laced with a low deadly growl. She stood, looming over him. “Shatter it.”

Steven took two steps back. “I won't!” He held on even tighter to the Spinel, wishing he could somehow bury her into him, hide her away, keep her safe. Her? When did _it_ become _her_? It didn’t matter, it felt right, for whatever reason.

The conflict between mother and son was interrupted by the splitting of the sky as a huge machine, filled with a pink liquid lowered itself down, drove itself into the earth and began dispensing its payload.

“See what you’ve done now?” His mother shouted, motioning towards the machine. “You’ve taken too long! Shatter that spinel!"

Done with words Steven simply shook his head at his mom and turned to run. She reached to grab him, but missed and fell, screaming incomprehensibly at him as he ran away. The ground all around him began to quake and split apart, geysers of the pink liquid from the machine began to rain down, destroying anything it touched. Some of it splashed onto his arm and he fell, losing his grip on the spinel. She fell into a freshly opened pit, out of sight.

“No! No!” Steven wailed into his hands which were pressed into the cold earth.

_It’s funny, right?_

That voice, he swore knew that voice. Where? Steven bent upright, looking around, desperate to hear it again.

_At least you found me entertaining._

It was coming from just ahead, in an area more garden than beach. Steven got to his feet and ran towards the voice, every fiber of his being telling him he needed to hurry.

_You actually liked me, didn't you?_

He practically crashed into the dirt as he found the source. A torn and tattered doll. A little pink jester girl, or maybe a clown girl? She was tangled in weeds, covered in dirt. One of her arms was hanging by a thread and there was a large tear in her chest where something had been ripped from it, maybe a button? He felt an overwhelming grief consume him and moved without thinking to wrench the weeds away from her. He picked her up and held her tightly.

“I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry!” She smelled of mold and decay, but he didn’t care. He cradled her head, pressing it to his shoulder. He looked down at the ground where she had been, hoping to find the button and there it was, a pink, faded, heart-shaped button, along with a needle and thread. He put her down with great care and picked up the items.

“Don’t worry. I-I can fix you up!” As the world crumbled to ruin around him, Steven worked as quickly as he could. The light was dimming fast and there was barely any ground left to stand on. The arm was fixed, then the chest. All that was left was to reattach the button. He held her close in one hand to try and get a better view as he looped the thread through the button holes. He tried to maneuver the thumb of his holding hand to keep the button in place and in his haste he pricked his finger.

“Ouch!” He dropped her on reflex.

There was a sickening shattering sound when she hit the ground. At first he wasn’t quite sure if it was her heart that had broken, or his. Maybe both. The doll lay in the dirt, the button, gone. The shards of a shattered spinel all around her.

Steven bent over her, an arm on either side. Big, wet tears fell down onto her as he sobbed openly. Tears. Didn't his tears do something? Couldn't they fix her? He felt like that was true. So why wasn't it working? Kisses! Those did something too, right? They had to work! Steven scooped up as many of the shards as he could and kissed them frantically, but nothing happened. Why? Why couldn't he fix her?

He let the shards fall back to the ground, hands back on either side of the doll. “WHY WON’T IT WORK!” 

“Calm down Steven. You can’t fix a shattered gem, you know that.” His mom’s voice from nowhere and everywhere. The world had returned good as new, and he hadn’t even noticed. “I don’t know why you’re so upset, look around you, the garden is safe now. You did it! You saved your happily ever after, just like I did. You just needed to shatter her.”

Steven, still on all fours, kept his head toward the doll and shattered gem beneath him, his eyes never leaving them. “I’ll find a way to destroy you.” It was stupid and spoken out of anger, but Steven was still surprised by the genuine malevolence he felt behind what he’d just said. It was so unlike him.

“Spoken like a true Diamond. You _are_ me, in a sense, and you’re just as guilty. Will you destroy yourself then?"

His mother’s voice began laughing all around him and he could do nothing about it but scream and rage at her as much as himself because she was right. His happiness had been more important.

~~~

Steven shot up, his head pounding.

“AUGH!” He could still feel the edges of, of something. . .something awful that had just moments ago consumed his mind. Gripping around his stomach with one hand and the side of his head with the other, he was very puzzled that the first thought to come to him wasn't where he was, but how much of a piece of shit he was.

A clearly startled Spinel was staring at him in a position midway between sitting and standing at the end of his bed that seemed to say she wasn't sure whether to approach him or stay away. She probably wanted to do both, given her two halves. At least for now they were in sync in as much as both hands were held tightly to their collective chest. It only took a few more moments for him to realize they were in Pink's room, on Homeworld. His thoughts chimed in: 

_Oh, right, you are a piece of shit._

"Steven?" Asked Spinel B. 

Tears began to pool in his eyes before she could even say any more. Steven knew he was a crier, hell, everyone knew it. It was one of those Steven things, but seeing Spinel there, even in a shattered state—or precisely because she was in such a state, just seeing her safe and alive overwhelmed him more than he could care to reason at the moment. He reached for her which seemed to settle the decision for both halves of her to comfort him. He took her hands in his.

"Please don't cry anymore, Steven." Spinel B gave her other half a side glance and she seemed to catch on. Spinel P looked down, biting her lip. "I'm really sorry Steven, for, all of this."

His tears stopped, and anger bowled over him like a wave. What? Did he hear her right? _She_ was sorry? He wanted to grab her by the shoulders and shake her to emphasize how wrong she was, but he couldn't do that, she was already so fragile, in a perpetually broken state from what he could tell, merely held together by whatever that line of burning energy was between the two sides. He wouldn’t dare jostle her in such a way.

"You're sorry? What are you even saying?" He clamped down on her hands.

He needed her to know so badly that this was his fault. His words exploded from his mouth, making her jump, "I'm to blame, Spinel, I'm the one who-!" his rant died in his throat and his anger fizzled when she wrapped him in a tight embrace, her head resting on his shoulder. After a moment, he returned it, holding tight, as if she may fall out of existence should he let her go. Both sides of Spinel let out a sigh. Steven giggled.

"What's so funny?" Asked Spinel P.

Steven gave her a squeeze. “It's just. . .nice to hear you happy."

_How dare you say that to her. What right do you have to show concern now? _Steven frowned in disgust at his careless words and pulled back, bringing Spinel to arm’s length.

“Spinel.” He held her gently, but firmly by the elbows. “What-” he felt another welling of tears coming and pushed them down, if for no one else than for her. He knew full well how razor thin her disposition could be.

_Too bad you didn’t consider that months ago, asshole._ Steven sucked in a breath and exhaled. Calm. Calm. “What happened? To you? Please tell me.” He gave her the warmest smile he could muster.

“Is Steven awake?” Called Blue.

“We’ve come to check up on him.” Said Yellow.

Blue and Yellow Diamond entered the room and White followed close behind, taking center stage between the other two. Her blinding, nearly vacant eyes settled on Steven and Spinel and she looked less than pleased.

“Well, at least he’s conscious now. Are you proud of yourself Spinel? Giving dear Steven such a shock?” White scolded.

“Yes, what were you thinking?” Blue joined in.

“You should be grateful we even brought you back,” said Yellow.

They continued on and on with their abuse. Spinel pulled away from him as if she were caught touching something she wasn’t supposed to, and with every put-down and accusation Steven watched as she suffered in silence, shrinking deeper and deeper into herself. She was curling into that trembling ball of loneliness and pain he had tried to reach out to when she first came to earth. They were tearing her down all over again when they said they’d adore her.

“Pink would have never acted like this”

_How dare they. HOW DARE THEY!_

“STOP IT!”

There was an explosion of stone between his fingers and the whole room shook, Steven hadn’t even realized he’d been gripping the edge of his bed. Everyone flinched away from him as if he’d burst into flames.

He stood up. “Just-!” he bit back the rage. “Just leave her alone, please.” The other three Diamonds looked at each other in more than just confusion, they seemed unsettled. Steven took advantage of this momentum. “I’d like to speak to Spinel alone about what’s happened. After that, I’ll come speak to you guys, alright?” It wasn’t really a question, but he was trying to be amicable after his outburst.

Yellow whispered to Blue behind White who was also listening in and nodded in silent agreement. White then spoke for the three of them, “That’s just fine Steven. Take your time.” With that, the three left as abruptly as they came.

Steven hadn't realized just how much he was shaking until they left. He sat back onto his bed, trying to steady the tremors of adrenaline. A pink pair of taffy arms wrapping around him from behind immediately helped.

Default Spinel had been very touchy with him back when she was rejuvenated, but for her other half to be equally affectionate was surprising. After regaining her memories she'd been cautious to approach, recoiled from him in fear or shied away in shame. Maybe one was having an influence in the other? There were too many questions, Steven needed some answers.

“Spinel.” He brought his left hand up towards his chest to grasp a portion of her arm for reassurance. “Sorry if I scared you. I didn't mean to yell like that. I’m just so blind on what’s happened here. Please help me understand."

She moved to sit beside him on the half destroyed bed, retracting her arms from him.

“Well Steven,” Spinel P tugged at her pigtail for a moment, “I shattered myself.”

He crumpled under her honesty, but wasn’t surprised. In fact this is what he’d suspected from the start. He was just really hoping he was wrong. She said it as casually as someone might say they preferred mustard over ketchup. His eyes moved from hers to the swirling ruin of her gem.

_It’s because you weren't there. Because you pawned her off on someone else. Because you were all too happy to be rid of her. BECAUSE YOU’RE SO MUCH LIKE-_

“Steven, stop!” Said Spinel B, placing a hand on his own.

“Huh?”

“Don’t do that to yourself,” Said Spinel P giving him a sad but knowing look.

“What am I?” Steven looked to where she was touching him. He was gripping his forearm hard enough with the tips of his fingers to nearly draw blood. He quickly let go, but her hand never left the top of his.

“I-I didn’t even-I’m sorry.” He glanced at the deep nail marks on his arm.

What the hell was going on with him? He’d been all kinds of messed up before but not like this. He was losing his temper, lashing out at others and, and nearly hurting himself. Steven made a note to talk with Garnet ASAP.

Shaking that mental note from his mind, Steven returned his attention to Spinel. She’d never looked so pitiful to him. Even her ‘happy’ side looked miserable. He didn’t want to have her drag out and relive every little detail for him, so he decided to help her along.

“So I’m assuming,” he was very careful with his next words, “the Diamonds grew tired of you, just like they did her." Spinel recoiled inward, pulling away her hand from his to hug herself.

“Things were fine, great even, for the first couple of months. They laughed at my jokes, applauded my tricks.” Spinel drew a faint smile thinking back, but it soon died. “Then, it started. Small at first. The comparisons to,” she swallowed, “Pink. Whenever I’d carry on too long for their liking, or catch them at a bad time, they’d say something to the effect of ‘we know you’re not her, but you could stand to act more like her.’ and every time they’d compare me to her, it just killed me inside a little more.” She gripped her arms. Steven wanted to reach out, but didn’t want to interrupt. “As their criticisms became more frequent and their smiles a rarity, I came to realize what they were really asking was for me to be more like my abuser, and it sickened me. Why would I want to be like the person who just threw me away for thousands of years? The same person who left a mountain of problems for her own son to deal with?” She looked Steven in the eyes like she were pleading for his forgiveness, tears welling up.

“Spinel. . .” That’s why she never contacted him. She saw herself as just another one of his mom’s leftover problems and he’d _let_ her believe that, too caught up in his own life to check in on her. Of course she wouldn’t trouble him. Not after what she’d done. No matter how dire her situation.

_So she killed herself and you may as well have been the one to push her off onto the rocks, you scum. You trash._

As if hearing his thoughts, Spinel put her hand to his cheek, he tensed at the touch and felt his brow unknit and his mouth slack. Had he been baring his teeth in anger?

“It’s ok, Steven. This wasn’t your fault.”

He was shattered to pieces, collapsing into her. She rubbed his back and he gripped her shoulder. There was no holding back the tears as he tried to look up at her. He couldn’t help but be soothed by the subtle heat warming his face from the line of light energy running down her chest. She held him there for a few minutes.

_It is your fault. It-is-it-is-it-is! You have some nerve seeking comfort from her. _Regardless of Spinel’s words, Steven couldn’t argue with his thoughts. It was his fault, and he’d do anything to make it right.

“The Diamonds brought me back.” She said, reeling him back from inconsolable sobbing. He sat up facing her, moving his hands to her forearms. “They used some kinda newfangled gem-tech, what was it called?”

“A Reformer.” said Spinel B. Both Steven and Spinel P jumped slightly. “Sorry I haven’t been talking much, I didn’t want to ruin the mood. I wasn’t around for. . .anything before the Reformer.” Steven nodded with a weak smile.

Spinel P cleared her side of their throat, “Right, the Reformer. Before I flipped out and they called you, they explained how it worked. Basically it tries to concentrate the pieces of a shattered gem together to force out the original form by constantly outputting high capacity light energy, hence,” she pointed to the narrow, flickering divide of her body, “I don’t know all the technicals, ask a peridot. What I do know is that I can’t be poofed anymore. You heard Yellow use her lightning during the call, right? Did nothing to me besides a slight buzz.”

“But, wait, why did it make you,” he waved a hand towards her “like this?” Steven hoped he wasn’t being insulting.

“Ah, yeah, about that. They don’t know for sure, but the Diamonds think the Reformer must have gotten confused on account of my gem having different positions between forms, so it tried to reform both at the same time. This is the result.” Spinel P scratched the back of her head. Spinel B looked around awkwardly like she didn’t belong.

Steven couldn’t help but think they both looked cute despite everything. He wiped his eyes and stood from the bed, guiding Spinel up with him, still holding one of her hands.

“I don’t know if I have any right to say this,” His words felt like lead in his mouth, “but I’m here now. I’ll help you through this. I want to, please. If you’ll let me.” He squeezed her hand.

_Too little to late, Steven the worthless._

Both sides of Spinel smiled in sync and laced her fingers between his.

“I’d like that.”


	3. A Conversation with Myself

Spinel had three problems.

First, Steven was different. The bright-eyed hug-it-out optimist she'd fought with on Earth atop her injector wasn't the same hybrid as the Steven who had spoken with the Diamonds before he and Spinel had left for Earth. He'd changed, and Spinel couldn't escape the cloying reality that she was responsible. That is, her self-shattering had damaged him, maybe permanently. Typical Spinel, always the disappointment. She'd messed up, once again. Hurt Steven, once again. Of course, if the other Diamonds had just allowed her the peaceful oblivion of death, she would've never known the extent of the scar she would leave on him. She hated herself, and wishing she'd stayed shattered to remain ignorant of the pain she would cause Steven just made her loathe herself all the more.

The absolute devastation on his face, how he had broken and fallen apart when he first saw her shattered gem; it haunted her, struck at her very core with an ache she couldn't describe. It was a pain distinctly different from being made to stand alone and forgotten for thousands of years, and in some ways, it was worse. Pink was an old pain, distant and out of reach, but Steven was here and now, and she'd hurt him so badly when all he had ever tried to do was help her; it was unforgivable. She replayed again and again how he had collapsed after initially seeing her, how she had tried to calm him, tried to tell him she was okay (of course she wasn't but he didn't need to know that), but he'd passed out in her arms.

The Diamonds had scrambled and panicked to get him to his (Pink's) room, but all she could focus on at the time was how pained he had looked, how his ever hopeful trademark smile had twisted and wilted into something withered and possibly forever lost. His reaction had been something she was unprepared for, something wholly alien to her. No one had ever cared so much for her, not Pink, not anyone. Why should they? Spinels were a rare gem, but they were still only toys, a source of entertainment, a best friend at most. Why did it grieve Steven so to see her like this? Was it a human thing? Why did he have to make her feel like more than her assigned function, her predetermined worth? He had tried to tell her that she was more than her cut of gem, and even when she nearly destroyed his planet, he never gave up on her.

To make sense of it, to return the favor, to try and help him heal, for a number of other reasons stirring inside her she had yet to understand, Spinel determined to never give up on him from here on out.

"How's it going on your side? You alright?"

Ah, the second problem, Spinel B, her other half. This split form was so bizarre, essentially sharing her form with an earlier version of herself. Was she two beings or still just one Spinel? Either way, she didn't like using 'us' or 'we' to describe herself.

"I'm fine." Said Spinel P curtly, resting her chin in her hand which was propped up on her knee. They were sitting in Steven's living room. She glanced over at Steven who was in the kitchen area catching up Pearl and Amethyst on what had happened with her back on Homeworld. Even now she could tell he was wearing a mask, putting up a facade, his laughter just a bit too forced, his smile too stiff. Knowing Steven, he didn't want to worry them.

Spinel still had a great aversion to being alone and let her stare linger on him, wishing he were talking to her. She tore her eyes away from him, looking down at her own hands. Was she really still alone now with this split body? She certainly still felt alone. She may as well talk to herself.

“Soooo,” Spinel P scratched her cheek, “why ain’t ya bouncing off the walls, bugging Steven to play with you?”

“Oh, believe me, a part of me really wants to!” Spinel B bounced a little off the couch cushion, “but another part is holding me back.” She booped Spinel P’s half of their nose, “I think it’s you.”

Spinel P slapped her other half’s hand away, “Whaddya mean? You wouldn’t shut up about playing with Steven when they called him.”

“Yeah but. . .you can feel it right?” Spinel B gestured at their broken gem, “I don’t think it’s just the form we share. Just like how the pieces of our gem mingle, I think our personalities do too. Back there when Yellow had gotten through to Steven you were so angry, it was like I was forced to fuel something else with all that intensity, and in my case, it was the need to play. So I got a little carried away. Well, we both did.” She giggled, making Spinel P groan with embarrassment.

To further prove her case, Spinel B continued. “And you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed how often we’ve synced up our body without having to think about it. There’s some kind of connection for sure!”

Spinel P couldn’t argue there, and it was nice when that happened. Hugging Steven would have been much more awkward and much less spontaneous if her two halves had to constantly coordinate their actions. Hugging. Steven. It had felt so natural, so right. It had filled up her chest with something when she’d soothed him with her embrace. She blushed at the realization. Okay, maybe the saccharine sweet half of her was on to something with them influencing each other because being physical with him had come way too easy for her, at least she was pretty sure it had.

Spinel P very much wanted to change the subject. “So, you said before that you don’t remember anything before the Reformer. Do you mean you have no memories at all, like you’re a blank slate or what? What do you remember, exactly?”

“Oh well,” Spinel B put her hand to their chest, gently brushing her side of their gem, “I remember meeting my bestie, Steven and having fun around beach city with him. I remember doughnuts being really good! I remember making friends with Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl too, I remember-” She paused and seemed to shiver for a moment before she went on, “The last thing I remember before the Reformer brought me back is. . .taking Steven to the Garden.”

“Oh. . .” So she knew about what Pink had done.

“Yeah, I know what happened to us, er-you?” Spinel B said as if hearing her thoughts.

Spinel P scoffed, “And you’re still worried about fulfilling your role? Being a best friend?”

“No I-I,” Spinel B let out a shallow sigh, “I just wanna be a friend. I don’t have to be the best one, but I’m with you in wanting to be there, for Steven.”

“When did I say anything about-” Spinel P was about to lie to herself when she was interrupted,

“How are you two handling things?” asked Garnet. She had been standing off to the side of the couch, unnoticed. Her eyes were hidden behind her visor, but Spinel could still feel her stare boring into her nonetheless. Of course the fusion would take an interest in her the way she was.

“It’s just me here, Garnet, right?” Spinel P tried to stifle her annoyance at both the way she was addressed and the sudden interruption. Spinel B looked off to the side, slumping her posture slightly.

“Well, if you say so.” The fusion adjusted her visor and looked toward Steven.

Garnet’s interruption reminded Spinel of her third and final problem. Really it was a subsection of the first problem, but it had much more to do with Steven’s gem than his nature. In addition to Steven’s change, something else had manifested. She was sure of it when he had shouted at the Diamonds to stand up for her, she’d felt it, the undeniable pull, the overpowering presence all lesser gems were smothered under and compelled to serve, the aura of a diamond. She didn’t know if diamonds actually had such an aura, but that felt like the right word to describe it. If she'd noticed it, she was certain the other Diamonds had too. Spinel glanced up at Garnet, wondering if she could also see it-any of it, how he'd changed or the ‘aura’, she certainly wasn't taking her three eyes off of him. Spinel looked again to Steven, feeling a warmth wash over her chest.

Steven was a diamond, technically had been her diamond. He could be again-. Spinel quickly derailed that train of thought though part of her really didn't want to, but thinking of him in that way drug up too much baggage. She'd worked so hard to overcome her more unhealthy tendencies ever since choosing to start over with the Diamonds. The obsession, the possessive behavior, letting her past trauma drive her actions and rule her emotions. In addition, If there had been one good thing to come from shattering herself it was that she had come back from death with a clearer head and a more concrete perspective on who she was. What she was. She was under no illusions that she was anything more than a defective gem. A broken toy. Certainly not fit for Steven, not fit for anyone. She'd be more depressed about it if the clarity of it didn't feel so liberating. Not many people got to self-reflect post suicide. Still, her old habits were there, buried deep, scratching and clawing beneath the floorboards of her mind.

Spinel felt a strong hand on her shoulder, "Sorry for this, but I need to try something. Don't be afraid," Garnet whispered to her. Before Spinel could reply, the fusion gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and moved to stand between Spinel and the others.

"Steven,” Garnet began, arms crossed. Steven Pearl and Amethyst stopped their conversation and looked to her. “You should have discussed bringing Spinel back here with the rest of us.”

Steven’s expression fell a little, looking from Garnet to Spinel who was peeking out from behind the fusion. “I couldn’t just leave her there. I just thought-”

“You thought what? How do you know she can be trusted? She’s dangerous.”

Spinel could see Steven’s mask falling away, a decidedly un-Steven-like expression darkening his face. “Stop it.” He said on a whisper.

Pearl and Amethyst backed away on either side of him. What was Garnet playing at? She had told her not to be afraid, but Spinel was becoming more concerned that the fusion was upsetting Steven. Was she goading him? Spinel was startled from her thoughts when Garnet reached back, grabbed her by the arm and pulled her forward.

“Look at her, Steven! She’s even more unstable than before.”

“No, you’re wrong!” Steven took a step forward.

“Calm down, dude,” Said Amethyst, tugging at his jacket sleeve.

“Garnet, I don’t think escalating this situation is called for.” Pearl tried to reason, worried eyes darting from her to Steven.

“Who knows what she’s capable of, especially with her gem like that?” Garnet summoned a gauntlet on her free hand, tugged harshly on Spinel’s arm with the other, “She can’t roam free, we need to put her away somewhere.”

The air became heavy with a crackling of energy, like a thick fog of static electricity and before Spinel knew what was happening, Garnet had been pushed away from her by a giant, spiked, pink bubble, Steven standing in front of her, holding his arms out to shield her further even though the bubble covered them both.

The diamond aura came rolling off of him, making Spinel’s knees wobble, threatening to give out entirely. “She’s like this,” Steven grabbed at his gem in apparent pain of some kind, and the room began to tremble, “she’s like this, BECAUSE OF ME!” A barely visible pink shock wave swept out from him, pushing back the Crystal Gems and blowing out every window on the first floor of the house. “I won’t let anyone hurt her. Stay back!” Steven fell to one knee, clutching at his gem with both hands.

“Steven, your eyes!” Pearl shouted, covering her mouth with her hands. Spinel bent forward to look at him. They were thankfully still Steven’s eyes, but both iris and pupil of his human eyes were ringed in bright, burning pink.

Garnet quickly unsummoned her gauntlet and held up her hands. “Okay Steven, I believe you! No one is going to hurt Spinel!” She shouted. Anything that wasn’t nailed down had now been shaken and displaced. Dishes shattered on the floor, pictures fell from the walls.

He hadn’t heard her. He couldn’t. Spinel knew because she’d been in his place just months ago. He was spiraling out of control, only unlike her, he had the power of a diamond to lash out with. She needed to do something, fast. She couldn’t let Steven hurt his friends, he’d never forgive himself. More importantly for her, she wanted him to stop hurting, especially over her.

She could only think of one thing, it had worked before, so she quickly bent down and wrapped him in a tight hug, “Steven, I’m okay. I’m not going anywhere! Please calm down!” She nuzzled him between the shoulder blades with her nose and cheek, tears welling in her eyes.

The effect was almost immediate. The tremors stopped. His breathing slowed. His eyes returned to normal and finally, the bubble popped. He took a series of deep breaths as if surfacing from underwater, one hand clinging to Spinel’s arm, the other to his own forehead. His head shot up when he heard the Gems approaching.

“G-Garnet, guys, what was I-? I-I’m sorry!” He spun quickly to bury his face in the crook of Spinel’s neck, holding on to her as he began to sob. A pang of guilt struck her at how nice it felt, but she didn’t pull away. Comforting him was more important than her embarrassment.

“I got you,” Spinel rested the side of her head against his. He buried himself deeper into her and she shivered.

Garnet placed a hand on Steven’s shoulder and Spinel couldn’t help but shoot her a glare of death. “I’m sorry Steven, I just-I saw you, suffering in silence, no matter how many possible futures I checked and-” the fusion removed her visor, expression twisted in sorrow, “You don't need to hide what you’re going through from us.” Steven reached back and gave Garnet’s hand a squeeze in answer. She bent down to hold both Spinel and Steven in a hug. Pearl and Amethyst soon joined them.

Spinel was initially uncomfortable with the huddle that had formed, wishing it were still only her and Steven, but if it helped him, she would gladly tolerate it. Steven was repeating quiet apologies under his breath as he clung to her and she had to bite back her own tears, not wishing to upset him further. She knew for certain then. There was no denying it. She had well and truly broken him. She laughed bitterly on the inside. What a sick joke. She'd gotten what she wanted six months ago, only now she'd rather shatter herself a thousand times over than have it. Pink had broken her, and in turn, she had broken Pink’s son. A spinel had managed to shatter a diamond.


	4. The Three Amigos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s been a little over a week since Steven brought Spinel back to Earth. Spinel B has had enough of dealing with two perpetual sad sacks and decides to take some initiative to lighten things up.

“Steven.”

The voice was far off and hazy.

“Steeeeeven. Please wake up.”

It was closer this time, almost right in his ear. Steven opened one bleary eye to find the source of the voice.

“Steven,” With a shaky tremble in her words, Spinel B was looking away, mortified, as the two lay on their side facing each other in Steven’s bed, “You’re doing it again.”

It only took him a moment to get what she meant when he felt his lips pressed against something hard and warm, his eye turning from her blazing red face to where he was kissing her gem, “Oh-I’m sorry!” He pulled away as fast as his half-asleep muscles could respond. Spinel P was somehow sleeping through the whole thing as she had the other times it happened, though she held her own blush on her cheek, along with a bite to her lip. “I, I keep having this dream. I didn’t mean-”

“It’s okay, Steven."

Spinel P stirred at the commotion, rubbing at her eye before meeting Steven's sheepish grin. Seemingly realizing what had just occurred, judging by his expression, she let out a tiny squeak and pulled the covers over her head. Steven winced before moving off to sit on the edge of his bed, his back to her.

"I'm really sorry, Spinel," he scratched the back of his head, blinking away the remainder of sleep from his mind, "In my dreams I just keep trying to heal you, but. . ."He trailed off with a sigh.

They learned very quickly that first night that Steven needed Spinel next to him to rest peacefully. Initially the two had been content with her simply staying in his room someplace nearby, neither wanting her to stray too far when it came time for sleep, much to Pearl's chagrin. Spinel had been sitting in a bean bag chair in the middle of the night when Steven had begun to mumble in his sleep.

"Spinel, I'll fix you," he tossed and turned and whimpered, "No, no! I swear!"

"Steven?" Spinel had gotten to her feet and approached, arms reaching out for him. A moment later he shot up screaming, dripping in sweat. She'd gone to him then, enveloping him in her arms and he'd clung to her desperately, as if he'd fall into a dark abyss should he let go. She’d held him until he’d cried himself out and had fallen back to sleep, and she’d stayed with him in bed until morning.

Since then she'd always gotten into bed with him, and while he still dreamt of her, he'd at least get a full night's sleep as long as she was there.

They'd been on Earth for nine days and had already had as many therapy sessions with Garnet in her room. The fusion had insisted that they have separate sessions, which meant talking alone with her, which meant separating from each other, a prospect Steven was surprised had alarmed him as much as it did Spinel. It was the moment he realized that Spinel had quickly become a fixture in his mind no matter what else was going on, or what he was doing. The thought of her never left him entirely, even in sleep. What's more, he couldn't stand to be away from her for any amount of time. This new development was both slightly disturbing, and comforting. Disturbing because this apparent obsession to be close to her reminded him so much of her obsession with him when she'd been reset. Comforting because as long as she was within his field of vision, he knew she was safe. 

Steven genuinely felt that the sessions were helping him to recover bit by bit, and he even felt some of the weight lift away from him during the last session, just like it had with other failures he had thrust upon himself, like Bismuth or Jasper. But whenever the notion that Spinel's self-shattering might not have been his fault would begin to blossom, the guilt would mercilessly stamp it down. No matter how hard he tried to take Garnet's words to heart, a little voice in his head would scream at him that he was no better than his mother and he'd be back to wishing he could punish himself in some way.

Steven gripped his bed sheets in frustration, then flinched slightly at the hand rubbing his back. The knowledge of who it was immediately lifting him out of the early morning funk.

"I wish you'd quit that," said Spinel B, now sitting up, giving him a sweetly concerned look. Spinel P, free of the covers, held a pillow to her side of their face, still embarrassed.

"What?" He replied, shooting her a quick glance.

"Getting lost in your head, letting the bad thoughts swallow you up. I know what it's like." Spinel B gave a small smile.

Steven returned the smile, but only briefly. He was as equally grateful for her attention as he was ashamed. Spinel was just as broken as he was, probably more so, and he'd so far been too busy falling apart to help her how'd she'd helped him thus far. It made him feel so incredibly selfish and weak. Just another reason to despise himself.

Spinel B puffed out her cheek and let out an adorable huff, though Steven was pretty sure she was trying to sound annoyed.

"Okay, that's it!" She pulled the pillow away from Spinel P's face, who protested with a _nayh_, and threw it at Steven. "I've had about enough of you two moping around all day. You aren't gonna get any better this way!"

Steven's eyes grew wide and he stood from the bed when she did, readying for another pillow assault, but she only pointed a gloved finger at him. "Let's go out today, get some fresh air. Nothing fancy, just sit on the beach, enjoy the view. Doctor's orders!" Spinel B picked up the pillow from the bed and smacked Spinel P in the face with it. She only responded with a wordless grimace.

Steven felt something bubble up from the pit of his stomach that had become foreign to him far too quickly and he belted out a laugh, a trickle at first, but one chuckle followed another and he was soon doubled over with laughter. It felt so good to laugh so hard and freely again and for those few moments, all of his sins were forgotten and it was just the two (three?) of them having fun. Steven stood back up, wiping a tear from his eye, shining Spinel a full, warm, genuine smile. Both sides of her blushed, Spinel B keeping eye contact while Spinel P looked toward the ground.

"That sounds like a great idea." Steven said as he moved to get ready for the day, feeling a little more like his old self.

~~~

The sun-baked sand felt good between his toes.

"Did ya forget your sandals? Want me to-"

"No, it's okay, Spinel, I didn't feel like wearing them today.” Steven leaned back on his hands and took in a deep breath of the ocean breeze.

The pair were sitting on the shore, their backs against a large dried out log. There was a growing silence after the sort exchange, but the soothing whisper of the waves kept it from turning awkward. He looked over to Spinel, one half of her tugging nervously on her pigtail, the other drawing absentmindedly in the sand with her finger. An idea came to Steven.

“Hey, you wana play a game?” Both sides of her brightened at his question. His heart swelled to see her so happy, but also ached at the reminder of how shackled she may still be to her old role and all the baggage that came with it.

“Sure, yes!” “What sort of game?”

The two sides spoke at the same time they were so excited. Steven couldn’t help but giggle. He looked around for something to draw with and picked up a small branch which he used to draw a hashtag in the sand between them.

“It’s called Tic-Tac-Toe, know how to play?”

“A new game!”

“How d’ya play?”

Spinel B and P took turns speaking this time, trying to contain themselves, knees to their chest, feet lightly tapping the sand with anticipation. They were so flippin’ cute Steven had to stifle his mouth with his free hand, fighting the urge to squee.

“It’s a two player game. One person is Xs, one is Os, you pick which you want,” she drew closer as he spoke, he cleared his throat, trying to ignore the slight heat in his face, “You take turns filling the spaces and the first one to get three in a line, wins! We take turns going first each game.” He broke the branch in two and offered her one half, “You can go first!”

As she took it, Steven was reminded that Garnet had told him he and Spinel needed to find ways to have healthy discussions, to try and understand each other better by asking the questions that nagged at their minds and in so doing, might understand themselves better.

“Oh! How about, the winner gets to ask a question, b-but you aren’t forced to answer,” Was that good? Too clumsy? Spinel’s look told him probably the latter.

“Garnet’s advice?” Spinel P asked in an even tone. Steven nodded, fidgeting with the broken branch. Spinel B only gave him a gentle smile. Spinel P continued, “Yeah, she told me the same thing. Talk things out, I mean, it is what you’re best at, right?” 

Spinel B, booped her other half on the nose, “Don’t tease him, he’s trying his best.”

“I wasn’t teasin’, I meant it!” Spinel P poked Steven in the shoulder with her half of the branch, “You’re on, lets go!” She drew an X in the center of the grid. Steven wondered if her built-in purpose for playing games had drawn her to pick the most advantageous spot based on pure instinct.

“Right, guess I’m Os this round!”

Much to his surprise, Steven won the first game and decided to ask something light to start.

"Ok, hmmm. . . oh, I know! What were those huge beams of light going off when Yellow called me?"

"Ha, that was fun," said Spinel P. Spinel B frowned, but let her other half continue, "I kinda discovered it by accident. I'm pretty sure it's a side effect of the reformation process. See, if I focus, and pinch this little line of light energy goin' up the middle ah me with enough pressure, it'll come shootin' out like a laser beam."

“Whoa, that sounds amazing!”

“Wana see?”

“Yeah, but watch were you aim.” Steven teased.

“Don’t worry, I’ll be careful.” Spinel stood up and kept herself squarely facing out towards the sea. She raised her arms and flexed them towards herself and sure enough, a ray of destructive light energy came screaming out of her chest and off into the horizon. “Heh, pretty impressive, righ-” The last word caught in her throat and she lurched forward, clutching her shattered gem. 

Steven stood up immediately, holding onto her shoulder and arm to steady her, his heart bouncing off the walls of his rib cage, “Spinel! Are you okay?!” He tried not to sound hysterical, but failed miserably.

After a brief pause, Spinel swallowed and straightened back up, “Yeah, yeah I’m fine, Steven. Let’s keep playing.” She patted him on the shoulder.

“A-are you sure?”

“You kiddin’ me? Like I’d quit on a loss.” She plopped back down in the sand.

“That’s right, besides we have questions of our own, c’mon, sit.” Added Spinel B.

Reluctantly, Steven sat back down, but could hardly keep his mind on the game, so it was no wonder that Spinel won the next one.

Spinel looked hesitant to ask her question, an index finger to her chin, the other hand held to her chest as she looked down in thought. She took a deep breath.

“Steven. . .when you—what happens in your dreams? You’re always calling out for me.”

Steven could feel some of the color leave his face. His initial response was to give no response, he didn’t have to, per his own rules, but that wouldn’t help anyone, and he certainly wasn’t going to lie to her.

“Heh, well. . .” He began to wring his hands, “It isn’t always the same dream, things are jumbled around. Sometimes I’m here in Beach City. Sometimes I’m on Homeworld or even in the Garden, a-and sometimes it’s a weird combination of two or all three of them. Sometimes my mom—Pink is there, sometimes I’m seeing things through her eyes; all the lives she’s ruined, all the gems shattered in the name of her lies. Honestly, I think half the time I might be seeing her memories, I dunno, It’s hard to tell.”

He gave Spinel a nervous glance for only a fraction of a second, “but there are a few details that stay the same. You. You’re always there. Sometimes you’re only in your gem. Sometimes you're in your original form, sometimes your second one, but mostly you appear how you are now, with your broken gem. Sometimes I can never reach you before something terrible happens, sometimes I lose you in the dark and can never find you—sometimes I can’t see you, I can only hear you crying—and even when I do manage to reach you or find you you’re always shattered and nothing I do can fix you—!”

Steven felt his hands clutching the sides of his head. He hadn’t even noticed he’d put them there. He was hyperventilating. Two pink arms coiled around his waist, bringing him in for a hug. His breathing slowed. Spinel stretched her hands up on top of his own and slowly brought them away from his head, rubbing at his palms with her thumbs to calm him further.

“Hey, hey shh-I’m here. It’s ok,” Spinel cooed.

“S-sorry, thanks”

_You asshole, you did it again! _Steven cursed himself. _She keeps having to pull you together, __pathetic__! __Y__ou have to be there for her too or you really are hopeless!_

“Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked about that.”

_There she goes, blaming herself again, like always, say something, idiot!_

“No-no! I’m glad you did! It kinda felt good to tell someone about it,” Steven held her hands in his as Spinel unwrapped him from the embrace, “Also, you understand me a little better now, I mean that’s what we're trying to do, so this is good. It’s not gonna be all smooth sailing.”

Spinel cocked her head to the side.

“Smooth. . .?” Spinel P began.

“Sailing. . .?” Spinel B finished.

Steven chuckled, “It’s a human expression. It means things won’t always be easy, but we’ll get through this. Together.” He gave her hands a squeeze and nodded.

“Right,” Both sides of her smiled meekly.

“Okay, next game. You won last time, so I get to pick. I choose, Xs!” Steven raised his fist in the air. Spinel B giggled.

Steven won the next game far too easily. He was beginning to wonder if Spinel was just making it so they both got to ask questions evenly back and forth, not that he minded.

_Okay, you worthless sack of crap, make this next question a good one! _Worthless? Well that much was true, right? With all his powers, he’d let Spinel slip right by him to her own destruction. What was he worth? To her? 

_Good question, loser._

“Spinel, when the Diamonds brought you back after. . .what happened,” he studied her face for a moment and saw her expression stiffen as if she’d stepped into ice cold water, but he continued, “why did you want to see me?”

Spinel curled into herself, hugging her knees to her chest. Spinel P was looking anywhere but at him. Spinel B searched his face, mouth slack, as if wanting to answer.

Steven elaborated, “I mean. . .I was awful to you, just like mom, just like the other Diamonds. I neglected you and you got hurt because of it. So, why me?”

“Don’t compare yourself to them.” Spinel B spat with anger in a tone far more fitting to come from Spinel P. “You’re _nothing_ like them!” Both sides of her face were welling with tears, but one side was furious, the other filled with grief. Spinel B continued, “You were the only one, Steven. No one else. Not Pink. Not Yellow, Blue or White. You were the only one to like me, really like me.” Her voice went up as she talked through the tears, “a-and not because it’s what I was made for, or because I was a reminder of someone else. You liked me, for me. So don’t put yourself in with them.” She sniffled, rubbed at her eyes and giggled, “There’s no one else I’d rather see, you silly hybrid! You’re special to me, to us—” a gloved hand clamped down over her mouth before she could say more.

“Okay, okay! He gets the point! Question answered!” Shouted Spinel P, face redder than a cherry, tears flowing from an eye sealed shut with embarrassment

Steven was stunned for a moment, breath caught in his throat. Her gushing words causing his own face to burn as a comforting warmth radiated out from his chest. He had no idea she felt that way. She should hate him, he was sure of it. Though what she said was true, he did like her for her, but even still, he’d left her alone with the Diamonds.

“Hey, Spinel,” he went to her, felt pulled to her, by the agony in her cries, cupping her face in his hands, “That was, I-I don’t really know what to say. I wish there was something I could say to make you stop crying.” He wiped away her tears with his thumbs.

“Why?” she grasped his forearms, but didn’t pull his hands away, “Why do you care so much? About Me? Why are you so nice, to me? After everything. Everything I’ve done to you?”

It was Spinel’s next question. They hadn’t played another game of Tic-Tac-Toe for her to win, but the game didn’t matter anymore. Steven was going to give her the answer. But, what was the answer? Steven was an empathic person to a fault. He cared for everyone around him, even individuals who’d tried to kill him. He’d cried over snakes not having any arms when he was younger, for crying out loud! He couldn’t just say he cared for her because he cares for everyone, not only because it wouldn’t help at all, but deeper things roiling in his gut told him that definitely wasn’t the only reason. He wasn’t sure if he could find all the right words right now, but he’d try his damndest, for her.

“Spinel, of course I care. I’d be a monster not to see someone in so much pain and not help them.” _But you didn’t help her, liar. _Steven forced back the caustic thoughts, “You aren’t bad, or, or wrong, Spinel, you’ve just made some poor choices.” Steven felt a flicker of anger rise up, “And who can blame you? You were never given a chance, you were tossed away and left to suffer alone for 6000 years, no one makes it through something like that without being torn apart! No one deserves that!” he paused to still himself, “Especially not someone who I know can be even more amazing than I think they already are.”

She pulled his hands from her face and turned away from him, “Stop it, Steven. Don’t—just don’t”

“No, Spinel, listen, you are amazing!” He took her hands in his, “The way you can always pull me back from the brink of despair or rage. How you always seem to know just when to reel me in or cheer me up. And your strength! That you can go through what you’ve been through and still try to carry someone else out of the pit, if that isn’t amazing, I don’t know what is! And that’s just a fraction of your potential. I know you can be so much more!”

She gripped his wrists desperately, her words barley a whisper, “Steven, no. I-I’m no good. Look at me.”

“Spinel. . .” he said firmly, taking her by the arms, “You aren’t just some defective toy. You’re worth loving, worth caring about.”

She began to tremble beneath his touch, “You’re just saying that!”

He shook his head “Hey, we’re friends, you know that right? I’m not kidding around here.”

If she could poof from emotional overload, Steven imagined that she would have then as she wrapped herself tightly around his midsection with both her arms and legs and pressed her forehead to his chest. She let out a sound between a cry and a whimper, “You don’t mean that! You can’t!” she screamed into his shirt as it grew wet with tears.

“Why not?” he said softly into the top of her head, his calm was the polar opposite to her maelstrom of sobs and cries.

She shot up to look him in the eyes, her face inches from his, both sides of her in perfect sync to display an expression raw and vulnerable, twisting in pain, “Because, Steven—! I’ve hurt you so badly! Look at how I’ve ruined you!” She unraveled her arms from him and reached up with both hands, grabbing bunches of his shirt under his chin, “I-I think I might’ah shattered you, Steven! You don’t poof, so maybe you don’t shatter like a regular gem either! You can’t even sleep normally without me there beside you! I can’t be your friend! I’m not good enough for you, not good enough for anyone! Why don’t you hate me?!”

She fell into his arms, her face once again pressed to his chest. She sobbed quietly now, nearly spent. He bent down and placed a light kiss atop her head between bun and pigtail. She froze for a moment at the gesture. Her pretty pink hair tickled his nose, causing him to laugh a little.

“I could never hate you.” He cradled her head in one hand, rubbed her back in circles with the other.

She didn’t respond, whether from exhaustion or shock at the kiss, he couldn't say, but he carried on, “Spinel, you didn’t shatter me. Trust me, if my gem gets shattered, I’m a goner, like any other gem.” _But you still think you shattered her, don’t you?_ “We’ve both been through some things that have left us damaged, broken. We’re just two broken friends-oof!” She nuzzled in between his shoulder and neck and held him tight on mention of that word, he returned the embrace, “-two broken friends, trying to help each other heal. And as for the bedtime routine, hey it’s nice to have a cuddle buddy, I consider it a plus” They both laughed briefly and it made his heart flutter with joy to hear her voice sing among all the crying.

The two of them sat there tangled together for several minutes until her tears stopped, each taking comfort in the other’s presence until Steven broke the silence.

“Another thing, you don’t always have to put up a strong front around me, okay? I can never express how much it means to me when you’ve been there for me. I want to be there for you too, alright?

She was still silent.

“Hey,” he pulled her back to arm’s length with some effort, she didn’t seem to want to part at first, “We have each other’s backs. That’s what friends do, right?”

She looked to the side, gave a weak smile and nodded slightly.

“No, nope, not good enough. I wana hear you say it.”

“Say what?” Her words were muffled while she wiped the tears from her face.

“Say we’re friends.” He poked her playfully in the side. “Pals.” Another poke. “Amigos!” Poke, poke, poke. She erupted in laughter and it only encouraged him to unleash rapid fire pokes.

“Okay, okay! We’re friends! She said between laughs, slapping at his hands.

“There’ that wasn’t so hard, was it?” He gave her a smirk.

“Geez, you!” Her eyes grew misty again and she gifted him with the biggest smile he’d ever seen on her. “You suck at saying things to make someone stop crying, you know that, Universe?” She wrapped him up in her arms again, holding him close.

“Really? Because you were laughing just a second ago.”

"You tickled me! Also, what's an amigo?"


End file.
